Merry Christmas!

Memphis

Because I'm a blogging slacker, or maybe a slacking blogger, I'm just now getting around to posting about our new arrival.

Memphis Wayne was delivered via c-section on 11/21 at 12:11. My doctor delivered him at 37 weeks 2 days because of the type of incision she had to make when she delivered Justice 3 years ago. It increased the risk of problems if I were to go into labor, so Memphis was delivered a couple weeks early. Even at 37 weeks he weighed 7lbs 9oz. So can you imagine how big he would have been had he been delivered at 39-40 weeks? Let's just say, he would have been big. He was born with chubby cheeks and a double chin as it was.

His delivery gave me a slight case of deja vu as we were in the same OR where Justice was born. My doctor's same partner assisted in the surgery. And the same PA from the NICU was present.

So far he's been great. He sleeps well, eats well (gained 10 oz in 5 days), and doesn't fuss much. The girls adore him and are excellent helpers.

Dakota's Family Portrait

Dakota is bigger than Georgia in this drawing because D is a minute older. What a punk.

#4

Matching!

Got It!

Snaggletooth!

We pulled Dakota's tooth tonight using the old string and doorknob trick. I honestly didn't think it would work. Had we tried to pull Georgia's tooth first, I would be convinced that that trick doesn't work. Her tooth is equally as loose as Dakota's was, yet it didn't work. The string just slid right off. I actually had a hard time keeping it on Georgia's tooth even before I shut the door. Jake said he'd try to get it out in the morning. I'm not sure what he's planning, but I hope it works. 

I think it will be fun to have birthday girls with matching missing teeth. :)

"I Will Rise"

May 20, 2010

Monday that week, Justice had an awesome day. Tuesday wasn't quite so good and Wednesday was frustrating. I didn't leave Justice's room until sometime after midnight. I got to my sleep room and absolutely could not sleep. I remember looking at a friend's blog on the laptop another friend had loaned me, and laughing at the video of her 18-month old throwing away all the veggies in the cupboard. Then it made me cry because I started thinking about how the muscle relaxers Justice was on would set him back yet again. 20-months old and my little man still couldn't walk. His physical therapist said he had everything he needed to walk, but he was just scared. Figures, the little squirt was fearless when it came to climbing, but he was afraid to walk. And now another set back. At one point I almost headed back to the PICU. I finally fell asleep around 4 a.m.

I was up at my usual time around 8. Skipped breakfast and headed back to the PICU. I laughed quite a bit watching some shows on Hulu that morning. I wondered if Bubba's nurse thought I was crazy in there laughing by myself. During rounds, one of the docs said I was "the most Zen parent" they had because I was always calm and took everything in stride. I told them it was outward only. Nothing new was decided during rounds. Justice was still a mystery.

Later, one of the docs came in to talk to me. When we chose to have Justice transferred to Denver a week and a half earlier, we knew the PICU said he wasn't likely a candidate for ECMO again. But we chose to transfer him anyway because of the access to specialists, specifically pulmonologists. Now the doc was telling me that they had reviewed Justice's chart from his stay 4 months earlier and discovered that the cardiologist had been able to repair the blood vessels in his neck when he was taken off ECMO. Because of that, he was a candidate for ECMO again. They were looking into a different type of ECMO that they didn't have all the equipment for on hand. But it was ok because we weren't at the point of him needing it. They were looking into it just in case.

I went to lunch, called Jake and filled him in on the latest. I got back to Justice's room and messed around on the computer some more. After her lunch, the nurse asked me if I wanted to help her give Justice a bath. I, of course, said yes. I got all gowned up and the nurse changed his diaper. Then his sats dropped to the mid 70s.

I backed off as the respiratory therapist came in and made adjustments to the vent. It didn't help. His sats were in the 50s by now. Tons of doctors flooded the room, both PICU attendings, fellows, and residents. They would bag him and his sats would come back up to the upper 70s/low 80s. So they'd reconnect the vent and he'd drop back to the 50s.

Terms were being thrown around that you only hear on medical dramas. At one point his sats dropped all the way to 17 and his heartrate started to plummet. His heartrate came back up on its own and they got his sats back to the 70s. But every time they stopped bagging him and put him on the vent, his sats would drop again.

I have no idea how much time had passed from the start of this. But finally, the head of the PICU came over and knelt down next to me. He told me that Justice's sats had been too low for too long and there was no way his other organs weren't being affected by the lack of oxygen. He was too unstable to put on ECMO at that point even if they had had the equipment on hand. He said they needed to stop and suggested that I hold him. He said they couldn't keep him going long enough for Jake to get there from the Springs. But I knew I needed to at least let Jake know before I let Justice go. Dr. C offered to call Jake.

Jake didn't answer. I knew why. The ringer on his phone didn't work. Plus, I knew his phone was probably downstairs charging and he was probably upstairs. I just couldn't see calling Jake after the fact, so they kept working on Justice, while I kept trying Jake and praying for a miracle. Finally, I remembered I had the neighbors' number. So I called them and asked if they would please run across the street and have Jake call me.

2 minutes later he did. I could barely talk thru my sobs as I told him the doctor needed to talk to him. Dr. C told him what was going on, told him to head that way but to take his time and be safe, maybe get a friend to drive him, because there was no way they could keep Justice alive long enough for him to make it the hour and a half up there. He gave me back the phone and Jake said he was loading the girls in the car and there was no way he could wait for someone else to get there up drive him. He said he was sorry he wasn't there, but I knew he had to be home and working. Besides, we never really thought it would come to this.

I got off the phone, and they moved my chair closer to Justice's bed. One of the fellows brought in an oxygen tank, but Dr. C waved it away. They disconnected the vent and handed me my baby. They drew the curtains, everyone left and shut the door.

I became the least Zen parent in the PICU at that point. I wasn't crying. I was wailing. That's the only word to describe it. I remember thinking "I should be more composed than this. I should be gently encouraging him to let go. I should be telling him that I love him." But I just threw my head back and wailed some more. I had my hand on his chest. He only took occasional breaths but his heart was beating away, strong as ever. At one point he looked like he might try to open his eyes. I'm so glad he didn't. I don't think I would have been able to stand it. Two of his primary nurses from his Christmas stay, who we loved very much, came in and sat with me. It can't have even been 10 minutes from the time they placed him in my arms when I realized I couldn't feel his heart beating anymore.

A few minutes later one of the doctors came in and confirmed it. The nurses went back to their patients and the doc offered to sit with us for a while. I sent a text out to friends and family simply saying "he's gone." Then I called Jake. He hadn't told the girls what was going on because he wanted us to tell them together. But Dakota knew something was up. She leaned forward and placed her hand on Jake's shoulder. Jake said 2 of our pastors were also on the way.

The doc continued to sit with me and even held Justice for a couple minutes so I could use the restroom. She eventually had to leave but Justice's nurse was still there for whatever I might need. I asked her if it would be possible to get the girls some dinner even though food wasn't typically allowed in the PICU. She said of course.

My sister called and said my best friend wanted to know if she should come now or later. My mom said she, my dad, and my sisters would be on the first plane in the morning. I honestly couldn't figure out for a few minutes why everyone was suddenly coming. Then it hit me, we were going to have a funeral.

A volunteer came in at some point and made a plaster cast of one of his hands and one foot. She gave me three matching Teddy bears. One for each of my kids. The girls call them their Justice bears and the third sits on top of his urn wearing his hospital bracelet.

Jake and the girls finally arrived. We gathered the girls close and told them that Bubba had gone to live with Jesus. That he wasn't sick anymore, and he would never need another oxygen tube again.

The nurse brought the girls dinner and they ate and watched a movie while Jake and I bathed Justice. I gave him a mohawk.

Shift change rolled around. We got a new nurse. Our pastors arrived. We talked to the hospital social worker. My sister called and said my best friend couldn't wait anymore. She and her daughter were in the car making the 9 hour drive to get to us. Jake's sister called and said their mom was already on a plane and that she and her family would be driving out in the morning.

We made some preliminary memorial service arrangements with our pastors. They were a huge help making calls and finding a funeral home. They left and took Jake's car with them so we could all ride home together.

I'm not sure what time we would have left the hospital if it hadn't been for the fact that we needed to pick up Jake's mom at the airport. I could have lingered there forever, I think, so it's good we had something we needed to do.

I only had one request for the nurse before we left. I wanted Justice's body removed from the room before we left. I couldn't stand idea of walking out of that room and leaving him behind. She wrapped him in a blanket and placed him in a wagon. Georgia kissed him and said goodbye. Dakota didn't want to, and we didn't make her. The nurse and a security guard took the wagon out.

And we left the hospital without our green-eyed miracle boy.

May 20th

I can't believe that in just a little more than two short months it will have been one year since my sweet boy took his last breaths in my arms. It feels like it's time to do another Justice's Stocking project. (I know it's not Christmas, but I'm sticking with that name for now.)

For those that don't know, I've recently discovered the joys of quilting. For you long time Blakey Babies followers, I bet you didn't know I started another blog to share my quilting and other craft projects. Seems crazy to start another blog since I've been so bad about updating Blakey Babies lately, I know. But I did it anyway.

I'm still new and completely unknown to the quilting world. I had no idea there were so many wonderful quilting blogs out there. I think I've quintupled the number of blogs I follow in the last couple months. Anyway, like I said, I'm still unknown to the quilting world, but I'm putting this out there anyway.

For the one year anniversary of Justice's death, I would like to be able to take a bunch of quilts to the PICU at the children's hospital where Justice died. There are patients there from just a couple months old to high schoolers. So baby quilts, lap quilts, all kinds/sizes of quilts are welcome.

Well you help me? Spread the word to quilting friends. Or if you're so inclined, make a quilt and send it my way.

I probably won't deliver the quilts on May 20th, just because we'll have family and friends in town, and it's the weekend of the girls' dance recital. But I will deliver them before the end of May.

Thanks,
Tiffany

Poor Neglected Blog

I admit, I've been horrible about updating the blog. There's plenty I want to write about. But the words only seem to come to me when I'm driving. Can't exactly type it out then, can I? Maybe someday soon.

In the meantime, here are a couple pics of the girls modeling the reversible purse I made out of vintage sheets today. This was actually the first of 2. I decided the strap needed to be a little longer and I made the purse a little bigger on the 2nd.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Confession

Cookie dough beaters!

"Um, Kota, I have something to tell you. It's gonna be hard and a little bit sad."

What on earth is she going to tell her?

"When you were outside, when Grams and Pops were here, I had one of these with Pops."

Right then I'm looking at G like, I can't believe you told her that! And looking at D just waiting for the floodgates to open.

D responds with, "That's not sad!" and continues cleaning off her beater.

"I Can't Sleep"

The girls are getting very creative. The best two excuses of the night.

Dakota:
"I can't sleep because the Kung Fu Panda song is stuck in my head. And it scares me."

Georgia, 25 minutes after D's excuse:
"I can't sleep because I had too much bright when my sister wanted to put her Pet Shops on the shelf."
I'm not even sure what that one means. I'm guessing D turned on the bedroom light to put her Littlest Pet Shop animals back on the shelf.

The real reason they can't sleep? They slept in till 10 this morning. G slept so late because 1) I let her stay up an hour late last night and 2) she was up coughing for about an hour at 7 this morning. D slept late because she was out with Daddy until very late last night. We are now an hour and 20 minutes past their bedtime, and I don't see them falling asleep any time soon. They are going to be so cranky when I wake them up at their usual time tomorrow.

Healing Waters

There's a song called Healing Waters. I first heard it about 12 years ago carpooling to work with a friend. It's on the CD The Smithton Outpouring. It's the not the song that really caught my attention all those years ago, there were others on the CD that made me buy it. Fast forward to August 2008, I had been in the hospital on bedrest for a couple days already. Out of all the songs packed away in my brain from years of living and breathing music, the chorus of Healing Waters popped in my head. I called home and asked Jake's sister, Kinder, to dig through my vast, boxed up CD collection to find that one CD, a task made more difficult by the fact that I thought the song was on a different CD at first. Kinder came through for me though and brought the CD to the hospital. I listened to that song constantly some days during my six week stay. Then listened to it driving to and from the hospital for the next 14 weeks to see my son. I sang it to him. Last May while we were standing in his hospital room talking with our pastors after he had passed, I just knew it had to be sung at his memorial service. My good friend, Wes, came from Oregon for the service and learned the song while he was travelling. Uncle Josh accompanied him.

I would include a video or a recording of the song, but I can't find one. So I'm going to have to just give you the lyrics. (I don't usually like just listing lyrics. It just doesn't have the same impact to me, but oh well.)

Healing Waters
Eric Nuzum and Chris Springer

Lord I've come to touch Your face
Just to feel Your warm embrace
Come descend Lord like a dove
Touch my heart with your love for me, for me

Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
You're the giver of life, giving new life
You're the living Word of God
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Mighty waves of power followed by Your grace
Let Your healing waters flow in this place

Standing in this place
Even now You're giving grace
We have seen and we believe
It's by faith that we receive, we receive

Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
You're the giver of life, giving new life
You're the living Word of God
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Let Your healing waters flow in this place
Mighty waves of power followed by Your grace
Let Your healing waters flow in this place


Now, let me back up to August 2008 again. One week into my hospital stay I was transferred from Penrose Community Hospital to Penrose's new hospital St. Francis Medical Center. While Jake was in the lobby of the new hospital waiting to be escorted up to my new room he was given a gorgeous blown glass ornament. Due to not really decorating for Christmas in 2008 and 2009, the ornament has just stayed in the hall closet. This year I pulled it out and it was place toward the top of the Christmas tree. When I took it off the tree and went to put it in the box it came in, I found the info card about the ornament.

It reads:
"A gift as grand as our opening.

This exquisite, hand-blown ornament was created in a unique mountain studio by acclaimed Colorado Glass Artist, White Elk.

Part of his Healing Waters series, each hand-crafted piece was inspired by the calming ocean waves of the Caribbean and signifies hope and healing.

Please accept this gift as a token of our friendship, and our lasting commitment to the health of the community.

St. Francis Medical Center"

Hm, coincidence? I doubt it.



(The best pic I could get with my little point and shoot camera.)



Stocking, Part 2

I took the rest of the WubbaNubs to the NICU today. I don't have any pictures of the 37 because it was a last minute decision to take them since I was already heading up that way. Included in this batch were the discontinued penguin and black cat WubbaNubs. Yay!

The fabulous Dr. P was there today. She said everybody loves the WubbaNubs, and it's so cute to see the babies swaddled with their little friends resting on their chests. She had never heard of WubbaNubs, but I think they've got a new fan now.

She also asked me how we got so many WubbaNubs and gift cards. I told her I asked friends and family for help. She said I have good friends. Yes I do!

 A few of Justice's nurses came out to say "hi" while I was there. It's always nice to see them and get a hug or two.

The Great Letdown

I knew it was coming. I've been so focused on Justice's Stocking. We had a good Christmas. A great Christmas in fact. Having a project to focus on was a great way to remember Justice and distract myself from the fact that he's not here. But the project is finished, for now, and the high is wearing off. I was looking through pictures of my smiling baby boy just now and found it so surreal to think about him ever being here. I have a baby boy. He's not with me anymore. But he was here. Justice WAS here.

Christmas 2009

Stocking Success

79 WubbaNubs

On Christmas Eve, Jake, the girls and I delivered 79 WubbaNubs and 45 $25 gift cards to the NICU at St. Francis Medical Center. The girls and I will make another trip, probably next week, after the rest of the stragglers arrive. :)

I was overwhelmed by the success of this project. I got a late start on it. I knew we couldn't afford to fill the stocking with enough stuff for every potential baby in the NICU, so I put the word out hoping we'd get enough. I would have been happy with 25 WubbaNubs and 25 gift cards. Instead, we got so much more.

• I knew we'd get plenty of the more common WubbaNubs, so I focused on some of the harder to find ones. I found a place that had the retired penguin WubbaNub but I couldn't figure out how to purchase them from their website. I emailed Bluebird Childcare to find out how to order them and told them why I was collecting WubbaNubs. In turn, they donated 9 WubbaNubs to the cause.
• A friend of mine from Oregon recruited a group of friends to help and they raised enough money for 15 WubbaNubs and 11 gift cards.
• A friend of mine from Jr. High loved the idea and so did her daughter, who is now a 7th grader at the school where her mother and I met. It turned out that all three 7th grade religion classes at St. Elizabeth Seton Middle School decided they wanted to help out. They held a bake sale before the middle school basketball game and raised $250 for gift cards.
• The owner of Ahh Goo noticed multiple orders being sent to my house. She called one of my friends who had ordered and asked her what was going on. When she found out what they were for, she sent 2 herself with a lovely note.
• Cloth Diaper Outlet threw in two extras with the 15 my friend ordered.
• Then there was the email I received from the CEO/Founder of WubbaNub. The owner of Ahh Goo emailed her about Justice's stocking. The founder then emailed me and asked when would be a good time to call. I was shocked. We spoke on the phone and she asked me how many WubbaNubs I was hoping to get. I told her I was hoping to have enough for one for every bed in the NICU and I already had twice that amount. She decided she would send 25, one for each bed, and committed to sending that amount in future years as well.
• Friends from elementary school, Jr. High, High School, and college, former coworkers, online friends, friends of family members, and church members all contributed.

Gift cards in envelopes decorated by D&G.

It was way bigger than I could have hoped for. The response has been so great we are going to set up a non-profit organization for future years.

Again, thank you to everyone!

P.S. We've set up a Facebook page for Justice's Stocking. http://www.facebook.com/justicesstocking

Overdue Pictures

Here you go. Pictures of the girls' first dance recital. They were so excited. Jake got it on video as well, but I don't have the right cable to get that on the computer.


Dakota is ready!



So is Georgia



We're off to a great start! Too bad our view of Georgia wasn't the best.





Kota's favorite part. Jump side.....to side.....to side, to side, to side, to side!



Grams and I found a felt tree skirt for $5 at Target. Buy a couple boxes of foam stickers and you've got something to keep two 5 year olds occupied for at least 20 minutes!

Decorating the tree skirt.



Finished product.



Daddy helped the girls put together the gingerbread house and decorate it while I went grocery shopping.



This past Sunday before church. They look so ridiculously grown up!



They were so excited to sing "Go Tell It On the Mountain" in the main service.



Time for Another Update on the Stocking, I Guess

Wow! That's about all I have to say right now. Lots of exciting things going on regarding Justice's stocking. I'll save all the particulars for after we make our delivery on Christmas Eve. I was speechless no less than three times today as I received email after email about friends' and even strangers' efforts to help us fill Justice's stocking.



Justice and Bruce



While you wait for all the exciting news I'll dish out next week, there's still time to help. Amazon has extended their FREE Super Saver Shipping until Sunday. So check out our wish list over there. I had to add a more WubbaNubs to it since most everything had been purchased! Also, Ahh Goo is just west of Denver, so late orders from them should make it before Christmas. And of course, there's still time to send restaurant gift cards for the parents as well.

As always, email me at justicesstocking@gmail.com if you need our address, info on area restaurants, or would like info on how to help through PayPal.

Thank you! I can't say it enough! Thank you!

Justice's Stocking Update

Contributions are starting to roll in and I am positively giddy with anticipation waiting for the mail each day. So far we have 20 WubbaNubs and 8 gift cards with more of both on the way. We still have 2 weeks til we take the stuffed stocking to the NICU. So if you'd like to help out, there's still time.

There are three ways to help:

1) You can purchase a WubbaNub for a baby in NICU. Based on the WubbaNubs we've received so far I created a wish list on Amazon of some of the animals we haven't yet received or only have a couple of. Obviously, you can purchase whatever adorable animal tickles your fancy. This is just in case you were wondering. :)

2) You can purchase a restaurant gift card for the parents spending the holidays in the NICU with their babies.
3) I've debated on adding this, but some people have contacted me and helped out this way already. You can send some money via PayPal and I will purchase WubbaNubs or gift cards with it.

Email me at justicesstocking@gmail.com if you need my address or some restaurant suggestions or if you want to donate via PayPal and I will send you my PayPal info.

To everyone who has helped out already, thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all amazing!